CREATIVITY is GOD Energy, flowing through us, shaped by us, like light flowing through a crystal prism.
…. Every creative person has myriad ways to block creativity.” ~ Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way, Week 10, “Dangers of the Trail
I have always considered myself a creative being. But as an active alcoholic with untreated bi-polar, my energy was warped by my misshapen or covered prism. Now sober and semi-sane, it’s easy to see how my creativity was not only blocked, but self-sabotaged by my addiction and depression.
However, when manic, my light was so bright, but coming from many angles refracting off my mirrored prism into far more hues then Newton’s component colors of red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet. My prism reality was illuminated into a blinding florescent disco-ball world. It was wondrous. The creativity seemed endless. Until the lights went out.
Alcohol clouded my prism, but eventually blocked the light. I was left in an endless abyss of disparity nearly ending in my death. Depression disabled my creativity. A black hole prevents everything, including light, from escaping.
Like physicists studying light theory, I have had to come to terms that there is a wave-particle duality to my existence. As Einstein wrote: “It seems as though we must use sometimes the one theory and sometimes the other, while at times we may use either. We are faced with a new kind of difficulty. We have two contradictory pictures of reality; separately neither of them fully explains the phenomena of light, but together they do“.
Initially wanting to discard both diagnoses of alcoholism and bi-polar, in the past 10 years I have clung to either theory; I had a booze problem or a depression disorder. The bi-polar diagnosis was not pushed hard, and as a creative being was not something I wanted discovered. Although I know it’s toxic, I’d be lying if I said I did not miss those disco-ball creative days. In fact the present longing is causing a pain in my chest.
Acceptance of my dual diagnoses and reliance on a power greater than me has allowed my creativity to flow again. The pure white light comes from a source I cannot explain. I am the clear prism through which the productive particles are dispersed into a rainbow of creative expression. But my creativity, like light, also travels in waves. Due to medications my wave length and depth is not what it used to be, but the creativity still ebbs and flows. And the block to the vibrant violet laughter that is my life source has been removed.