A Beautiful Mind with Tits: In Memoriam, Jennifer Ellen Devich

  This is something I wrote four years ago in response to the death of my best friend. We had been friends off-and-on for 10 years. We both battled our mental health and addiction demons, and became incredibly close when we went through treatment together five years ago. I want to turn this into a personal essay but I can’t: it’s a time capsule of love and loss in early sobriety. She died on my old sobriety date, and although I wish I had not relapsed for four months two years ago, I am glad I have a new sobriety date. If I had not relapsed, I would be celebrating 5 years of sobriety today, and grieving her death four years ago. I try to keep in touch with her daughter, who now has a daughter of her own, but I am terribly human at it. But having a selfish day of suffering from the should-of, would-of, could-of’s will not bring JED back, however I can try to stay better connected with her daughter in the future.

A Beautiful Mind with Tits

I’m so sad and still wrapping my head around your loss. I am so blessed to have had you in my life. You were my closest friend this year. I hope you knew that. I got a year Jed! You should be fucking celebrating with me ~ with a Diet Coke. I have a roll of quarters; we could be at “The Big L” right now, raiding the pop machine, ensuring that there are no Diet Cokes left for the rest of the residents. And clear out the Reese’s Peanut Butter cups as well. I hope you know how much you meant to me. I wish you had called me one last time. You would not have been a burden. Here are some random memories of you from the past year:

  • When you arrived at “The Big L”: I looked up from my lunch and said “Jenn?” You were so happy to see me. I was hesitant about seeing you. You said “You know me as Jed, PURPLE!” Then would get pissed at anyone who did not call you Jed: “It’s Jennifer Ellen Devich ~ JED!!”
  • We talked about this so I have no problem posting it, but you had scared me for years prior to our time together in rehab. I was so afraid of being friends with you. Even though we hung-out off & on for the past ten years, I had always kept you at a distance. So I didn’t want you in my group, on my floor, or eating meals with me at my table.
  • But JED, you were a force that pulled me in. I am so glad we were in my group, on my floor, and followed me around like a puppy. And I got to know YOU; you let down all those walls you’d been hiding behind for so long!
  • Remember when we ordered out of The Victoria Secret’s catalog in rehab? Remember how scarred I was because I was sure it was against the rules? BTW, you never gave me my underwear.
  •  You’re constant, questioning, “Who DOES that?” Especially when I told you I was moving to Rochester.
  • After wanting to keep you at a distance, you and I manipulated our way into being roommates.
  • We both had chicks at “The Big L” that threatened to beat us up
  • You helped me when I entered that horrible halfway house. When I told you they took my crayons away you said “Why? Are they the new gateway drug?”
  • I helped you when you needed to flee your horrible halfway house.
  • Going to see The Flaming Lips together last September. You laughed when I gave “bubble Wayne” a kiss through the plastic.
  • One of our last conversations, you were so proud because you had an IQ test taken, which of course proved your brilliance. You proclaimed, “Who knew! I’m a “Beautiful Mind with Tits!”
  • It was you who I had present me with my graduation certificate. You gave the most wonderful, heartfelt speech. No one had (or will) said (say) such wonderful things about me. We cried in each others’ arms. I will always have this memory. I know how much you loved me.

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4 thoughts on “A Beautiful Mind with Tits: In Memoriam, Jennifer Ellen Devich

  1. I am so sorry she passed away and the world lost a bright life when she stepped out of it.
    I relapsed at 9 and a half years and I hate to say it but it is probably the best thing I did for me and my recovery.
    It was a learning lesson and took away all of that pride and conceit and thinking I was a bag of chips and all of that.
    I got serious about working the program and am coming up on 18 years soon and all of the struggle has been worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. She was an extremely beautiful, sexy, homemaking scoundrel who made the world a better place as she simultaneously disappointed our expectations. She was nobody’s fool. We were her’s in every way. I never got to see her in her dream wedding dress. But then have never seen a smile so happy and precious. She had her secrets and her demons. Her powers and her clever way of describing life. The world yearns for her voice and the twinkle in her eye. Seeing life through her eyes, even if only for a moment, was worth the price to be in her presence. There will never again be another Jennifer Ellen Devich. So many memories. So many whispers in the dark. The Angel and the Siren. She drove you crazy with every delight as she brought you down. Wish I could hear your voice one last time. Tell you how much I cared and hated you for it all at the same time. There is no such thing as too much Tool on Little E

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