I have spent the past two days (while not working and sleeping) binge-watching Bloodlines, an intriguing family drama/suspense series which has done serious damage to my waistline. I initially guffawed at the media attention correlating binge TV watching to binge-eating, but my personal, non-mindful experiment has found it to be correct.
Time’s online magazine published an article yesterday, “This is What Binge Eating Does to Your Health”, describing a recent study that states the more you sit in front of the television, the higher your risk of diabetes. The article merely states that it is the act of being sedentary that causes the risk, not even addressing behaviors one partakes in while watching television.
I had a junk food binge last night that would make a six-year-old left alone with an Easter basket this Sunday marvel. I’m not going to go entirely into it, but it spun me out into a “sweets” shame spiral. A study out of UT-Austin connected binge-watching to not only binge-eating and binge-drinking, but depression and loneliness.
I can honestly say binging on Bloodlines was not done out of depression or loneliness, but because I found it to be a kick-ass thriller. And thank goodness I have solid recovery, because the amount of tequila drunk in this series would cause Don Jose Antonio de Cuervo (Jose Cuervo ) to worship the porcelain gods. For me, it was the suspense, and my natural proclivity towards sweets, that caused the binging. Why would I take time to prepare and eat a healthy meal when I NEED to know what Danny is going to do next, and I bought snacks for my son’s first visit this weekend?
As they say in recovery, everything in moderation. So now that I’ve finished the series, I’ll kill off some calories by making this place teenager friendly for the weekend. Oh, and I’m sure shopping for those snack replacements will kill some calories too.
Mike Doughty is a musician in long term recovery. When I was first in recovery, I could not get enough of listening to him, and did not even know he was “like me”- not until the release of his memoir, Book of Drugs.
I also finally watched The Anonymous People this week, which I highly recommend for anyone in recovery or who advocates recovery.
This is something I wrote four years ago in response to the death of my best friend. We had been friends off-and-on for 10 years. We both battled our mental health and addiction demons, and became incredibly close when we went through treatment together five years ago. I want to turn this into a personal essay but I can’t: it’s a time capsule of love and loss in early sobriety. She died on my old sobriety date, and although I wish I had not relapsed for four months two years ago, I am glad I have a new sobriety date. If I had not relapsed, I would be celebrating 5 years of sobriety today, and grieving her death four years ago. I try to keep in touch with her daughter, who now has a daughter of her own, but I am terribly human at it. But having a selfish day of suffering from the should-of, would-of, could-of’s will not bring JED back, however I can try to stay better connected with her daughter in the future.
A Beautiful Mind with Tits
I’m so sad and still wrapping my head around your loss. I am so blessed to have had you in my life. You were my closest friend this year. I hope you knew that. I got a year Jed! You should be fucking celebrating with me ~ with a Diet Coke. I have a roll of quarters; we could be at “The Big L” right now, raiding the pop machine, ensuring that there are no Diet Cokes left for the rest of the residents. And clear out the Reese’s Peanut Butter cups as well. I hope you know how much you meant to me. I wish you had called me one last time. You would not have been a burden. Here are some random memories of you from the past year:
- When you arrived at “The Big L”: I looked up from my lunch and said “Jenn?” You were so happy to see me. I was hesitant about seeing you. You said “You know me as Jed, PURPLE!” Then would get pissed at anyone who did not call you Jed: “It’s Jennifer Ellen Devich ~ JED!!”
- We talked about this so I have no problem posting it, but you had scared me for years prior to our time together in rehab. I was so afraid of being friends with you. Even though we hung-out off & on for the past ten years, I had always kept you at a distance. So I didn’t want you in my group, on my floor, or eating meals with me at my table.
- But JED, you were a force that pulled me in. I am so glad we were in my group, on my floor, and followed me around like a puppy. And I got to know YOU; you let down all those walls you’d been hiding behind for so long!
- Remember when we ordered out of The Victoria Secret’s catalog in rehab? Remember how scarred I was because I was sure it was against the rules? BTW, you never gave me my underwear.
- You’re constant, questioning, “Who DOES that?” Especially when I told you I was moving to Rochester.
- After wanting to keep you at a distance, you and I manipulated our way into being roommates.
- We both had chicks at “The Big L” that threatened to beat us up
- You helped me when I entered that horrible halfway house. When I told you they took my crayons away you said “Why? Are they the new gateway drug?”
- I helped you when you needed to flee your horrible halfway house.
- Going to see The Flaming Lips together last September. You laughed when I gave “bubble Wayne” a kiss through the plastic.
- One of our last conversations, you were so proud because you had an IQ test taken, which of course proved your brilliance. You proclaimed, “Who knew! I’m a “Beautiful Mind with Tits!”
- It was you who I had present me with my graduation certificate. You gave the most wonderful, heartfelt speech. No one had (or will) said (say) such wonderful things about me. We cried in each others’ arms. I will always have this memory. I know how much you loved me.
With the onslaught of freelance writing work, I have a fear that I will post even less (if that’s even possible) on the blog. So each Sunday I will post a song that either speaks directly to sobriety, addiction or moving positively forward. And on the subject of moving, Bass and I are making a home together.
Yes, I know it’s super quick but it’s just happened this way for three important reasons:
- Bass needed to move into a new place first of February.
- I need to move into a place by March, and would have to live with a roommate because my income is tiny.
- Life is short. Love is infinate. When you feel it, give it. When you receive it, unconditionally, it is a blessing. Accept it. A good relationship is a very precious; don’t waste your life if you know its right.
But I’m also cautious so here are the steps in place in case things go astray, although hate to put this out into the Universe. This is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in, but I also want my readers, friends and family to know I have thought this through.
- The lease is month-to-month.
- Bass can afford the place on his own.
- I know women with whom I can live. I would have to find more income sources, though.
I’ll post pictures of our new place in another post this week. Also, the name of the blog will be changed to reflect the changes in my life. Now, here’s your Sunday Sobriety Song:
Today I celebrate two years of sobriety for the third time. I believe the third time is the charm, but this is where I need to be cognitive of maintaining my mental health, my sobriety and monitoring my behavior by practicing mindfulness and other DBT skills. I cannot, for even a second, believe “I got this!” because that is my downfall. My ego takes over and I think “I’m normal.”
And by normal I mean someone who does not have alcoholism or bi-polar. This time around, I know there is no normal and I am not less than nor greater than anyone else on this planet. My goal is to continue to stay on my path, one day at time, and make it to four years of sobriety AND BEYOND.
Four because the first time around I maintained 3 ½ years of non-drinking and the second time around 2 ½ years. In two years my son will be graduating from high school so maybe a mom & son road trip for my fourth soberversary. Or a trip of my own if I am still in the uncool mom status.
Having another two years is scary, for which I am grateful. This means I still realize that alcohol can make me her bitch when I take that first sip. I need to remember that I do not have another suicide attempt, “get out of the hell you made” for free card left in me. Life is very precious. And I’ve almost successfully ended mine in the past, due to not maintaining my mental health and trying to numb the feelings away with alcohol. By the grace of God (Goddess, Mother Nature, Great Spirit, Buddha, and Father Sun) go I. Alcohol NEVER has given me grace. She’s made me her BITCH. May she rest in peace.
My reaction to situations is the only thing I have control over. Knowing this in my head does not always translate into knowing it in my gut and heart. I do not have control over other people, places and things, nor can other people or institutions control me. Today I was faced with a “problem” I’ve faced monthly for the last six months. One where a person in my life is unhappy about the same situation beyond their, or my, control, yet every month this person creates a chaos spiral about this state of affairs.
It is not a problem at all, but an inconvenience, one which no one has any control over. Yet this blame game is played monthly. It’s Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Living with this person and this inconvenience can cause me to slip sideways; to no longer see the situation straight on but look at it on my back, defeated, and be either pissed-off or think I can solve the “problem”.
But slipping sideways is a reaction; one which will eventually lead me to a bottle if I am not careful. It is at times like these that I get myself to a meeting, spend lots of time repeating my favorite Buddhist prayer, and listen to my “Zen” music channel. And stay the hell away from this person and their chaos spiral. I must accept that this “problem” will continue monthly, and know that it is beyond my control. Slipping sideways, buying into this person’s chaos of their own creation, is not an option. If I slip sideways on a monthly basis, I eventually will lose both my sobriety and sanity.
It’s the end of NahBlahPostMore Week Two. Luckily Blogging 101 takes a break for the weekend, but I thought I’d let you know some of the changes made this week due to this course.
- Monday, November 10 – I made my “About” page irresistible and added a text widget briefly describing my blog on my home page.
- Tuesday, November 11 – Added a purple header to my blog.
- Wednesday, November 12 – Explored my neighborhood.
- Thursday, November 13 – Built a post based upon one of my neighbor’s post.
- Friday, November 14 – I spruced up my sidebar by adding the “Follow Me” widget.
On a more personal note, I made some decisions in regards to the “dating experiment”. It stopped being fun. I enjoy spending time with Bass so I took down all my profiles on the dating sites. It’s a relief to not have my email flooded, especially with the really crazy, unsavory messages. But I’m not changing the name of my blog, because I’m single until I, or the legal marriage system, says otherwise. We had a nice date at home last night and tonight we’re going to dinner and a comedy club. The fact that this introvert is willing to spend two nights in a row with another person is dating progress.
And a big THANK YOU to my readers! I now have 112 “followers” and 1,088 views! My arbitrary goal was 200 followers by October 2015, so I am pleasantly surprised, and very grateful to my audience.